English 421K, Technical Writing

1. What information in the memo goes beyond what readers need to know? Some of the information that was is not necessary in the memo include: the information about the Illinois (ISFMO) the past injuries that have occurred, the compounds that can cause fires or explosions, and the problem from the past and the explanation for why it was still a problem.

2. How can the memo be reorganized to highlight its purpose? I would move the last paragraph to the beginning of the memo, take out the second paragraph, and then make the first paragraph into the last paragraph.

What information in the memo goes beyond what readers need to know?

The information about the scientists who were sent to the hospital for minor issues is not relevant. The different kind of oxidizing agents and what they can do is not important as well as much of that paragraph which describes practices which are likely common within this company and do not need to be restated in a memo. Also, who is attending the meeting is not something the readers need to know.

How can the memo be reorganized to highlight its purpose and main point?

 

ChemConcepts, LLC
Memorandum

Date: November 14, 2004
To: Laboratory Supervisors
cc: George Castillo, VP of Research and Development
From: Vicki Hampton, Safety Task Force
sub: Chemical Safety Policy Draft Meeting

There is a lot of information that the intended audience does not need to know or it can be assumed they already know. In the first paragraph, the discussion about the policies is unnecessary and the history of incidents can be more concisely written. In the second, the intended audience, the employees, already know what they work with on a day-to-day basis.

1. The memo needs to concentrate more on creating a safety policy instead of the obligations that they are not upholding. There is also a lot of unnecessary information in the introduction. It is stated several times that the chemicals being handled are hazardous and combustion able. 2. The memo can be reorganized to state the creation of a new policy regarding the handling and storage of all chemicals.

1) The lists and explanations of the exact chemicals and reactions that cause the combustion are not necessary. A simple sentence such as "ChemConcepts uses many different chemicals that pose a combustion threat when improperly stored." would suffice. Basically, the whole fist half of the second paragraph is not needed, and can be shortened quite a bit. Also, if the information on the state codes are to be included, they need to be integrated into the subject matter better. Is the company currently adhering to the codes?

The subject should be stated in the heading of the memo. Instead of "Re:FYI", it could say something like "Subject: To inform about a mandatory meeting to create a chemical handling safety policy."

The previous meeting should be mentioned in the first line of the memo, setting up the background information. Then the action that was taken at the meeting should be discussed, and the reader should be informed of the future mandatory meeting and its purpose.

1. Information that is beyond what readers need to know include much of the second paragraph on what compounds can cause chemical reactions. Readers (Lab Supervisors are already aware of the reactions between the chemicals used in the labs. If they werent, they should not be in a supervisory position. Also, I feel that in the first paragraph, it was stated that the importance of chemical safety didnt need to be gone over, but it was then gone into detail about the troubles they have had in the past, which intimated the importance.

The readers of this memo are going to be the employees. Therefore the full name and title of their VP does not need to be written out. Also, there is entirely too much repetition to what is being requested by this document. The writer restates that they need policies regarding their chemicals numerous times. This request should be made clear and written more boldly at the beginning of the memo.

Too much information is included. The reader doesn't need to know about past injuries and the author doesn't need to present it's version of a rough draft here. The main point is not addressed until the final paragraph. The last paragraph should be first but editing it so that the main point and purpose is in the first couple sentences. I think it would be easier to the readers if there was less description of a procedure and less examples.