Client Email for Mission to Sell

Below is our client email draft. Thank you.
Email: dtaylor@trinitymission.org
April 3, 2008
Dear Trinity Mission Outlet Store Manager,
We are a group of students in Kevin McKelvey’s ENGL 421Y class at
Purdue University . ENGL 421Y is an online technical writing class. For our last project we have been assigned to write a user guide to help a local company use the web to further their business. We are writing to you to ask the Trinity Mission Outlet Store in
Lafayette, IN to be our client for this final project.
Our goal for this project is to help Trinity Mission Outlet Store increase sales by extending their customer base from the
Lafayette area to include online consumers from around the world. We would like to show you how to buy, sell, post, manage, and communicate with buyers through the use of eBay. EBay is becoming one of the more popular ways for companies that sell directly to the consumer to increase sales by allowing them to reach a wider range of customers. We propose that you allow us to create a template for you that will include the html that you use for online auctions. This template will allow you to set up auctions, add pictures, and add information with ease.
We hope that this sounds like something that you would be interested in incorporating into your business. If this plan does not interest you, we would still like to help you and would be interested in any suggestions you might have with regards to how we can help you fill another need.
Once again, we hope that you will consider being our client for this project. If you agree, we will give you a presentation that will show how you can use eBay to benefit your organization. A full project description can be found at our class website: http://www.digitalparlor.org/sp08/mckelvey3/Project3.
Thank you for your time,
Timothy Gray, Amanda Sands, Craig Barker, Myles Basso, and Tim Okerson
ENGL 421Y students
Purdue
University
West Lafayette, IN
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email comments
You have a good draft here. Your intro is relevant, but I think you should mention your topic of using eBay in that first paragraph. Your two body paragraphs are also engaging, especially the first, but I think you can add more details about the eBay store and educate them about it. That will lead to better persuasion and a better connection with your audience. You might break that into two paragraphs.
The third paragraph could be combined with the last paragraph, but maybe not. If you develop that second paragraph into two paragraphs, then this one should be okay.
The last paragraphs is very informative and a great close to the letter. Do keep in mind that the presentation is not face-to-face, but you'll use PowerPoint or a similar program to produce an online presentation. I think you can make that more clear.
Great work with tone and style. Yourr email is professional with high readability.
Let me know if you have any questions. Thanks,
Kevin