English106-01-03 Introductory Composition

Death has always been a very hard thing for anyone to live and deal with. When someone in your family is known to be dying or has the possibility of death, others around them tend to feel helpless when trying to aid their pain. When the family got together to take a family portrait as a Christmas present for Mimi and Jack, the photographer cracked a joke saying, "Smile! You all looks so somber. What's that matter, is someone dying?" (160-161) At that moment, everyone stoped laughing and everything got serious, "... Laughs turned into tears into sidespliting hysteria" (161). This shows that no one in the family is taking Diane's illness for granted.

Terry I believe, is one of the family members who is taking it the hardest. Throughout the story we have seen the deep connection that Terry and Diane have established. It is seen again on page 162 when, after the party everyone left the room but Terry. She pulls a chair close to her bed and began breathing with her mother, emphasizing each exhale she took. When her father and Brooke returned an hour later, her dad says, " She looks more relaxed." I think this is because Diane knew Terry was there and it calmed her. Even when she is going through a lot of pain, having her daughter near brings her peace. Even if that peace is only temporary, it is still a good feeling for her.

Terry goes on does whatever her mother wishes and even more to try and make her happy but it is slowly wearing on her. "Nothing is working. Mother is writhing in pain" (166). Since her mother's cancer is a long drawn out process of death, it is heavily wearing on everyone around her. Terry goes on the describe her grandmother as being worn down and finally looking like an old woman; how her dad feels like a failure because Diane left home and Mimi and Jack feel like failures because she is getting worse. Last how she feels like a failure, "...because I am losing my compassion" (166). I understand where she is coming from because when you are constantly around death and getting your hopes up only to be brought crashing back down it is very tirering. When Terry is about to leave for a week in Boulder, Utah, Diane says, "I'm glad your leaving." with Terry thinking in reply, So am I. (166)

Finally "escaping" the tensions of death, "With the wind billowing my white cotton blouse, I breathe with a clarity of spirit I have not known for months" (167). Once she is at a distance from everything she can think clearly and openly about the entire situation regarding her mother and her illness. In the third to last paragraph on page 177 she talks about the lens that Mimi had aked her to make by curling her fingers around her to her thumb. She talks about taking her hand lens now and focusing on Great Salt Lake and seeing, "...waves rolling in one after another: my mother, my grandmother, myself. I am adrift with no anchor to hold me in place. A few months ago, this would have frightened me. Today, it does not" (177). This shows the growth and progress that Terry has made thus far with coping with her mother's illness.

At the beginning of the reading the writers mother tells her a story from her child-hood about when her dog died. The writers mother felt very bad and very deeply about that because she loved her dog a lot, just like she loved her child. I think by telling her the story she was hinting at Terry to have a child finally as she has already been married for eleven years now.
As the reading progresses, Terry's mother makes it clear that she is ready to embrace death. 'I'm not afraid of my own death, but I am afraid of the pain'. Her mother is tired of all the treatment and 'bored' of the illness, she just wants to die now.
The situation is kind of the same with the bird migratory refuge. It has been cut-off due to the flood and people have now lost hope of the flood water being removed unless it evaporates by itself. People are now tired and 'bored' with worrying about the refuge, so now they just decide to abandon it and transfer all the workers to other places.

Brooke being Terry's husband, is only related to Diane through Terry. We see that his emotions about Diane's illness is seen from his feelings toward Terry. We see that Brooke is more concerned with how Terry will deal with the situation, but is still concerned with the well being of Diane. He tells her not to worry about him in the coming months and he explains that he knows where she needs to be(153). Brooke understands that Terry is going through a lot of emotions during the time of her mother's illness and is sacrificing his attention from Terry, so Terry has more time to spend with her mother. It seems to me that Brooke is more involved with Diane's illness now that she has had another surgery and the illness has progressed. Brooke also helps by lending a hand when the family is together. When they are at the hospital for Diane's surgery, Brooke brings lunch for everyone while they are waiting for Diane to get out of surgery(161). To me this shows how Brooke feels about the illness, and that he cares about the entire family and helps however he can.

It seems that Terry’s mother has completely accepted her fate and she is come to terms with the fact that she will die soon. I think the fact that she is keeping the truth from the rest of her family for now is just like when she and her husband buried the dog before Terry came home from school to spare her the harsh reality of death. It really seems as if she wants to go through her death with just herself and Terry just to spare her family from the pain of her death. I do not know if that is entirely fair to Terry because I know for a fact that if one of my parents were dying I would not want to have to deal with that all by myself. I also find it interesting how it always seems like Terry’s mother is at the end of her life and then she goes to the doctor and they say she has about a year for example when they removed the blockage from her intestine. I really like what Terry’s mother says after her surgery she says, “Just let me live so I can die.”(161) I think that quote is fitting to everyone’s life because what do we live for in the end, we live to die. That is the harsh reality of life and Terry’s mother has to give it to Terry in that brutally honest way so she will understand that they have to eventually let go. It is almost like it would be better to die then to suffer like Terry’s mother is with the constant pains and fevers and being basically confined to a bed. Diane’s illness if quite a burden on the family and it is starting to wear them out and I think she is tired of putting them through that.

Terry seems to be wanting to get back to her own life. She takes time for herself and celebrates her eleventh year anniversary with her husband. She tried to cook a turkey for her brother's birthday to show her mom that she "could carry out the family traditions." (157) I think that she is trying to prove to her mom that the family will be alright after she passes. Terry wants one last photograph of the whole family to remember everyone. She scheduled for family portrait but nobody was very happy about it. This is probably not a time that they want to look back on and remember. They would rather remember the happier moments that they have spent together.

Terry is getting emotionally tired with dealing with Diane's cancer. She even says herself, "I am exhausted and depleted." She accidentally takes her mother's medicine because she has been so distracted. Terry takes some time to get away and goes on an archaeological dig. But she becomes desperate to get back once she gets the news that Diane is not doing well. I do not think that she would have hitch-hiked back under normal conditions. The people that gave her a ride back almost seemed dangerous. The guys were running around with
shotguns. (171) She realizes how much that she really wants to be there taking take of her mother.

While Terry and her husband are out watching whales, she realizes that she will miss her mother after she is gone. Terry will not have her there to share her stories or give her advice about life. (175) Terry does not find comfort in the Bird Refuge or her mother anymore. It seems that her whole life has fallen apart and she needs to find reassurance in something. She is trying to accept that death is a part of life. (178)

Terry’s mother says “Terry, to keep hoping for life in the midst of letting go is to rob me of the moment I have now” (161). It has been more than 3 years that her mother is aware of her illness (spring 1983 to August 1986). She fought; but finally she is just tired of fighting, and does not want to resist it anymore. Diane accepted her illness and says that the tumor became a part of her. This is what she expects her family will do. She wants her family accept it and let her just live her final moments like she wants, without encouraging her fighting. It has been very difficult and challenging time for her, but she does not allow herself to grieve and continues to encourage others to stay in high spirits.
Diane needs support especially of Terry who is very close person to her. She shares all of her fears and thoughts with her daughter. Terry as well tries to help her to go throughout this illness. She thinks of new methods to make Diane feel less painful by making meditation like imagining “what the pain looks like, what colors it is”. The idea of taking family picture was intended not only because of present for Mimi and Jack, but because Terry understands that the whole family barely will be able to gather together next Christmas. So she wanted to capture this moment right now, while her mother is still here. Terry wants her mother to know that she can carry all traditions in the family like preparation of turkey for family holidays.
However, Terry is tired too. She is tired of seeing how her family grieves. She worries not for her mother but also for herself. Terry is tired of things that she underwent in these three long years. She devoted herself fully to her mother, lived her life. Even mistakenly took her medicine once. She cries on the lawn wanting her own life before back, wanting to enjoy her life like before, running away from all of those problems. Terry feels empty. That’s why she was so happy with the opportunity to leave to archaeological dig in Boulder. Terry realizes that she needs to “reshape” her life like Amazon potter shaped her pots, whose remains they have found. Finally she found quietness for 10 days in watching whales.
Her father is also so sad and worried. Since Diane was so ill and did not take care about her garden anymore, he decided to work in the garden. When Terry came he could not hide his tears and cried how little time they have.
It is very regretful that three of these women were exposed to cancer. Even Mimi had to make a surgery. “I see waves rolling in one after another: my mother, my grandmother, myself. I am adrift with no anchor to hold me in place. A few months ago, this would have frightened me. Today it does not. “(177) Terry finally started to realize that she should not resist to these changes in her life with cancer of the mother, Bird Refuge, but just take on with it.
I feel like as we read more the book becomes gloomier, but hope that there will be some light of happiness in the end.