• Analyze the structure of the paper. Could any section(s) or paragraph(s) be reorganized? Considering the outline of the various sections given by the headings, is the overall structure the best way to organize the paper? I think overall you have a good organization of the topics in your paper. You might consider revising your intro so there’s no history in it.
• Check to see if the white paper has an argument within it about the topic under investigation, and comment on whether this argument is clear enough to you as a reader.
This paper has several arguments and I can’t find one part that doesn’t make sense.
• Point out which sections in the paper you feel are most important and least important. Since the paper will be heavily reduced in length, describe sections/paragraphs that might be summarized or eliminated all together. Due to the harsh word constraints I would keep most of your summary, intro, benefits, specific products, privacy issues, and conclusion. The biggest part that I don’t believe you need to describe is the history of GPS and voice technology. People don’t care how technology got to where it is. They care about how they can utilize it now for the business or personal use. You have explained that in other parts, but I might consider deleting most or all of the history.
• Note wherever the writing is unclear to you or where you feel something needs to be explained more. Were there any concepts or terms that you did not understand? Are there any particular areas in the paper which deserve to be expanded because you feel they are important topics? Moonlighting? What is that? Don’t talk about Ipod + Nike air if you are not going to explain in depth what that means exactly. Under “blackberry”, what is a staple phone? Is that a specific type or what? You should mention the privacy issues in your conclusion.
• Note in the paper anywhere where you feel the authors are stating their own opinions rather than reporting on what their research says. When the paper discusses speak recognition and voice recognition, I would like to see sources cited for that info. I also might re-word that paragraph since it was somewhat confusing.
• Note any problems you might observe with how the paper fits the white paper genre.
It looks like a white paper to me.
• Important: Since documentation of sources is a critically important aspect of professional research, if you notice any citation problems in MLA format, point them out to the authors. I don’t think you should cite the entire website sources after you quote them. I also didn’t see a bibliography at the end. The requirements stated that you need one attached to your draft.

The Garfunkels do a great job with structure and orientation of their white paper. It flows considerably well for a first draft. I personally think that it is tougher to cut down on a paper than making it longer. By shortening a paper the writer or writers could potentially take something out that could be of viable use to the reader. Each section has great background on different devices for GPS and voice communication. This is going to be tough to eliminate certain parts of the paper because of the significance of each section. Your group does a thorough job at identifying differences among products (ie – speech recognition and voice recognition). The history is a crucial part to the paper because it gives the reader background on the situation at hand. Nice analogies to where GPS is applied, such as Roto Rooter it gives credibility to your statement and benefits of the GPS systems. I feel like paragraph thirteen should be excluded from the paper in general, if you are going to be picking a side (benefits of GPS and voice recognition) you should just leave it at that and don’t mention the negatives, or change the first sentence so that you don’t come off negatively about DragonNaturallySpeaking software; just some constructive criticism to take some stuff out of the paper. And no one really knows what that company is or what they are involved with, maybe consider combining paragraph 13 and 14 together, and give a brief introduction on DragonNaturallySpeaking software is, rather than going into it after criticism is already made about the software. Overall the paper is written pretty well. It grammatically flows; I know the teacher was not looking to go into it but I though I would let you know. This paper fits the white paper genre pretty well, however I think negatives should not be given in a paper that has opening positives. It just seems like you are giving your own opinion on why these may be negatives or sources that are not credible. I don’t want to be unclear, the negative Aspects & Privacy issues are good just try to refrain from noting negatives in a positive section. The negative Aspects section of your paper is good and brings up legitimate areas where people’s privacy is being violated, so that is good. Well written paper you did a good job!
James Leach

Your paper has a lot of good information and is supported by lots of research. Both topics are explained well and how they can help in the business world. I do question how the two topics belong together in the same white paper. The paper starts by saying how Voice Recognition helps with transcription and how GPS is used for tracking and locating people or places. I think that you can trim down your paper by focusing on one of those topics or possibly how both technologies are used in some new devices that you have listed such as the blackberry and Mercedes Benz. These are good examples of how both voice recognition and GPS are used in the same device or system.

The section about the Garmin Forerunner is a little confusing. I did not understand how the GPS helps with the uses that you have listed such as virtual partner, heart rate monitor, and foot cadence. If the GPS helps with the virtual partner by calculating distances and where the runner is positioned then I would explain that more. A side note on this paragraph, you wrote, "It is a GPS enabled watched targeted towards runners..." You need to change that to 'watch'.

I do like how you show the pros and cons to the topics. This shows objectiveness and a complete paper on the subjects. Your intro is also good because it gives a good overview of what I should expect of the paper. If you change anything in the main body of your white paper then you may want to make sure that the intro still covers the correct items.

Great job on the first draft and I look forward to reading the final version.