I did not get a chance to read the full draft until just now and it looks great. Kristen and Hilina, you both did a great job with the intro, executive summary and conclusion. Kristen, you also did a great job formatted the entire paper. I think we really nailed this project and I don't see why we won't get a good grade for our hard efforts. I almost forgot, but I like how you changed the way you presented your info Kendra. It really makes the whole paper stand out with loads of professionalism. I can’t wait to revise this paper and turn in a great paper that has taught all of us a lot.

The overall paper's concept is written well. There are some things that are unclear to the potential reader(s). There doesn't seem to be a parallel in both the topics of e-mail and mobile messaging. It just doesn't seem like the paper flows the way it should. I am a little confused in the overall argument in the paper also. Should it be over how mobile messaging will soon take over the business world or does it have something to do with advancement in technology and how it effects the business world and its employees? Arguments are barely seen in the paper to me and I just think that it needs to be a little more descriptive. Since all the papers will need to be cut down, I do believe that some of the text under the mobile messages could be minimized or even diminished.
Just try to get an overall better flow of the paper. Arguments and descriptions of the topics in the paper need to be cleaned through and made more knowledgeable. It shouldn't be jumping from one point to another and just bouncing from one place to another.

I think that your paper looks very professionally composed and written well. The main thing that I feel that you could improve on in your final draft would be that of your argument overall. I was confused on what you were wanting to accomplish. Although, I did not find many grammatical errors or sentence structure errors. Your group did a great job of putting the information together in an effective manner so it flows well and makes sense for the most part. I would personally recommend reading it outloud to your self before the final copy is posted so each of you can make sure it says exactly what you would like for it to. Good luck on your final copy and everything looks good thus far!

After reviewing this group’s white paper, the structure and order of sections appears to be exactly as it should be, moving from the executive summary to the conclusion. Without my white paper notes in front of me, I cannot remember if the executive summary and the abstract are one in the same, but if not I think an abstract is needed. Other than that, the sections flow very nicely and each sub-category is distinctly shown with the italicized typing. In regards to a specific argument being under investigation within the topic, I thought this statement in the text best represented what the paper was about: “There is no doubt that the growth of e-mail and mobile messaging systems will continue to drastically improve the business world; however, we should keep in mind that associated problems tend to arise coupled with growth.” I believe the argument is very clear, considering I found it in the executive summary, which most people will read right away in order to see if they want to continue reading on. Since the final draft will have to be condensed greatly, you may want to consider shorting up the introduction and making it about the length of the conclusion. There are four main paragraphs in the introduction, and I would try to cut it down to one. The executive summary is also a bit lengthy, so I would review it to see if there are any points that could be left out. I believe you would still be over in word count, so your group may have to decide if there is one area to focus on, whether that is email in general or mobile messaging. I think both portions provide quality research; however, the paper needs to be more specific for this draft. I would definitely consider eliminating one and maybe extending the other section slightly. I did not feel as if there were any subject matters I did not fully grasp; your group did a great job of explaining each sub-topic in a logical manner. Each sun-topic leads in the next, providing more specific and detailed information on the topic at hand. Depending on whether you chose to eliminate the email or mobile messaging section, you may have to expand to make the word count, but not because you left anything out up to this point. I also think the white paper is unbiased enough to provide a good overview of the topics you chose to write about. There was an equal balance of both advantages and drawbacks to the changes in technology base on the research done. I think the group did a great job of formatting the text in the appropriate white paper manner, but for the final draft I would maybe try to create a unique look to make it stand out. Finally, after looking over the bibliography, each research citation appears to be in proper MLA format. Everything looks good and the only major thing I would focus on is cutting the paper down as best you can to account for the word count alterations! Good job guys!

• Analyze the structure of the paper. Could any section(s) or paragraph(s) be reorganized?
I think the overall structure and organization is great.

Considering the outline of the various sections given by the headings, is the overall structure the best way to organize the paper?
Yes, although I’m wondering why you structured the sections about email and mobile messaging differently. You talk about the history in one but
not the other. You talk about the problems and solutions with email but not mobile messaging.

• Check to see if the white paper has an argument within it about the topic under investigation, and comment on whether this argument is clear enough to you as a reader.
It doesn’t look your paper has an argument within it. It seems more informational. In your conclusion I got the idea that you believe mobile
messaging is simpler and more efficient than email. If so, you should try to argue more for it throughout your paper.

• Point out which sections in the paper you feel are most important and least important. Since the paper will be heavily reduced in length, describe sections/paragraphs that might be summarized or eliminated all together.
In the “benefits of email” section, you talk a lot how email benefits life outside the workplace. I agree it strengthens the case for email,
but since you paper is about email and mobile messaging in the workplace I think you could condense some of that paragraph.

• Note wherever the writing is unclear to you or where you feel something needs to be explained more. Were there any concepts or terms that you did not understand?
I understood everything.

Are there any particular areas in the paper which deserve to be expanded because you feel they are important topics?
I think you could expand on the section of “the potential of mobile messaging.” It is also unclear in that paragraph what you are trying to
convey to the audience.

• Note in the paper anywhere where you feel the authors are stating their own opinions rather than reporting on what their research says.
“One company that comes to mind is none other than Microsoft.” Maybe try rewording that. It sounds like your opinion.

• Note any problems you might observe with how the paper fits the white paper genre.
No problems that I saw.

• Important: Since documentation of sources is a critically important aspect of professional research, if you notice any citation problems in MLA format, point them out to the authors.
I’m not sure if we are supposed to cite sources within the paper itself. I know my group did but you might want to check with Mrs. Barst. I
think I saw twice within the paper where you cited what you said. If we do need to cite within the paper then I’m sure you know where it needs
to be. For example, “According to studies, over one third of the workforce uses employer-supplied mobile devices while working, on the clock.”
This is a great statistic and it does a great job of arguing for the use of mobile messaging, but how do I know it is true.