Your group's white paper looks really good! I think you have done a really good job with the design and making it look professional. It seems like it could be a real white paper that a company has put together. Since you have done a lot of work in making your first draft look good, it will only be easier for you next week when we have to turn in our final drafts. I haven't read through your whole paper yet, but just reading the summary, I can tell that it is really interesting. Good luck next week on getting everything together for your final draft! Great job!
* Analyze the structure of the paper. Could any section(s) or paragraph(s) be reorganized?
The only part I would consider reorganizing is the PDA’s part. There are so many different kinds of them, that I wonder if it actually does belong under "access" or if it deserves its own part of the paper, even above the access title.
* Considering the outline of the various sections given by the headings, is the overall structure
the best way to organize the paper?
I think this structure for organizing the paper is fine, and it shows that you likely distributed the work in writing this draft equally. There is not the same length, or even really close in each section, so that's something to consider when reorganizing.
* Check to see if the white paper has an argument within it about the topic under investigation, and comment on whether this argument is clear enough to you as a reader.
As a reader, I couldn't tell what you were arguing. I feel like it might be on behalf of the new technologies and just that the reader should be aware of what they are buying and using for email (base on the conclusion). However, maybe elaborate in the introduction.
* Point out which sections in the paper you feel are most important and least important. Since
the paper will be heavily reduced in length, describe sections/paragraphs that might be
summarized or eliminated all together.
I feel that you should really elaborate on the conclusion and take away some of the words like "in this white paper" because that is unneccessary. You made comments like that a lot throughout, and it takes away from the real information that you are trying to tell us. You should also cut down on the security section because it is too wordy and isn't important enough in that introductory paragraph.
* Note wherever the writing is unclear to you or where you feel something needs to be explained more. Were there any concepts or terms that you did not understand? Are there any particular areas in the paper which deserve to be expanded because you feel they are important topics?
As stated above, you really need to write a more thorough conclusion to tie together all the pieces of your paper. The "security in mobile devices" section seems pretty important but it is very short. I feel you should explain more thoroughly and maybe put this section in the same one on PDAs.
* Note in the paper anywhere where you feel the authors are stating their own opinions rather than reporting on what their research says.
I didn't really come across any statements that were really opinion-heavy.
* Note any problems you might observe with how the paper fits the white paper genre.
Think more about "selling" your idea or "arguing" your stance. The point of a white paper is to convince the reader of something- whether that be to buy your product or think the way you're thinking. It sounds too much like bland fact reporting here.
* Important: Since documentation of sources is a critically important aspect of professional research, if you notice any citation problems in MLA format, point them out to the authors.
You should have a bibliography AFTER your conclusion, not throughout the paper. Your sources should be in alphabetical order and cited internally (in parentheses). Your citations are really confusing and broken up too much.
This paper on the changing world of email is an up-to-date and well organized presentation of the development of the e-mail technology. It presents the chronological growth of the email system and shows how businesses and individuals benefited from this technology. The paper discusses in detail the different and latest devices that currently available in the market such as Motorola Q, Blackberry Pearl, iPhone, IPAD, SHOPTEXT. What is striking about this paper is that not only does it explain the utility of each phone system but also informs the reader about price range that the different companies charge for these services. The reader of this paper would appreciate how the price charged by each device is related to wide variety of services that each company provides. As sophisticated as these devices are getting, one can read from this paper that the competition for further improvement to capture the market has not stopped.Instead of splitting up so many PDA types and explain about it, you should give a general idea about all of them and try to more conclusion your is very small compare to your paper. The presentation of the paper is clear and easy to read and follow. but your bibilography should be after the conclusion not between each paragraph
- Analyze the structure of the paper. Could any section(s) or paragraph(s) be reorganized? Considering the outline of the various sections given by the headings, is the overall structure the best way to organize the paper?
The overall structure and presentation seems very nice. The only section you might want to change up a bit is the part on PDAs; I feel there is a lot of information there for that small part of the paper. You might want to make that its own section or scale the information down a bit and keep the same format.
- Check to see if the white paper has an argument within it about the topic under investigation, and comment on whether this argument is clear enough to you as a reader.
I’m not entirely sure what the argument here is; I feel like there is a lot of information on the technology but I’m not exactly sure what point you are trying to prove.
- Point out which sections in the paper you feel are most important and least important. Since the paper will be heavily reduced in length, describe sections/paragraphs that might be summarized or eliminated all together.
The main thing that needs to be reduced is the wordiness. There are a lot of unnecessary words thrown in that you might use in a regular essay or writing assignment but not so much in a professional white paper like this one. The only thing I think you might want to add to is the conclusion; and if you decided to make PDAs its own section, you might need a little more information there.
- Note wherever the writing is unclear to you or where you feel something needs to be explained more. Were there any concepts or terms that you did not understand? Are there any particular areas in the paper which deserve to be expanded because you feel they are important topics?
The main thing you need to do is add to your conclusion. I think if you revise that and summarize more of the document in the conclusion, the whole paper will make a lot more sense.
- Note in the paper anywhere where you feel the authors are stating their own opinions rather than reporting on what their research says.
Nothing seemed too opinionated. I really like the specific citations at the bottoms of the pages; it makes the paper seem more credible.
- Note any problems you might observe with how the paper fits the white paper genre.
The only thing you really need to work on is arguing a point. If you introduce your overall argument in the beginning and wrap it up in the conclusion, I think your paper will be fantastic.
- Important: Since documentation of sources is a critically important aspect of professional research, if you notice any citation problems in MLA format, point them out to the authors.
I really like how you used specific citations throughout the paper in footnotes, as I said before; however, I’m afraid you are supposed to have an actual bibliography at the end of the document, requiring parenthetical citations throughout the writing.
-Analyze the structure of the paper. Could any section(s) or paragraph(s) be reorganized?
~ I think the paper is very organized and it seems to flow very well.
-Considering the outline of the various sections given by the headings, is the overall structure the best way to organize the paper?
~The sections are outlined all in the same manner, which produces a smooth read. The table of contents also helps with this process.
-Check to see if the white paper has an argument within it about the topic under investigation, and comment on whether this argument is clear enough to you as a reader.
~The argument I got from the paper was that email technology is advancing and the business world can benefit from that.
-Point out which sections in the paper you feel are most important and least important. Since the paper will be heavily reduced in length, describe sections/paragraphs that might be summarized or eliminated all together.
~ I think if you want to cut down on the word count you could possibly take out a couple of the PDA examples. You could also probably cut down on the security section. I think it is important how you provided examples especially in the security section with the study done by Proofpoint. This gives your paper some backing and makes the reader more receptive to your topic.
-Note wherever the writing is unclear to you or where you feel something needs to be explained more. Were there any concepts or terms that you did not understand?
~ There were a couple of topics and terms I did not understand at first but you were able to describe and help with my understanding.
-Are there any particular areas in the paper which deserve to be expanded because you feel they are important topics?
~ I think you should expand on the conclusion. I think this will help bring the paper to a better closing by bringing all the parts together.
-Note in the paper anywhere where you feel the authors are stating their own opinions rather than reporting on what their research says.
~ I felt that opinions were left out of this paper.
-Note any problems you might observe with how the paper fits the white paper genre.
~I feel that paper fits pretty well with the white paper genre.
-Important: Since documentation of sources is a critically important aspect of professional research, if you notice any citation problems in MLA format, point them out to the authors.
~ The bibliography should be after the conclusion.
Good Job!
Your group's white paper looks really good! I think you have done a really good job with the design and making it look professional. It seems like it could be a real white paper that a company has put together. Since you have done a lot of work in making your first draft look good, it will only be easier for you next week when we have to turn in our final drafts. I haven't read through your whole paper yet, but just reading the summary, I can tell that it is really interesting. Good luck next week on getting everything together for your final draft! Great job!
Draft Revision Suggestions
* Analyze the structure of the paper. Could any section(s) or paragraph(s) be reorganized?
The only part I would consider reorganizing is the PDA’s part. There are so many different kinds of them, that I wonder if it actually does belong under "access" or if it deserves its own part of the paper, even above the access title.
* Considering the outline of the various sections given by the headings, is the overall structure
the best way to organize the paper?
I think this structure for organizing the paper is fine, and it shows that you likely distributed the work in writing this draft equally. There is not the same length, or even really close in each section, so that's something to consider when reorganizing.
* Check to see if the white paper has an argument within it about the topic under investigation, and comment on whether this argument is clear enough to you as a reader.
As a reader, I couldn't tell what you were arguing. I feel like it might be on behalf of the new technologies and just that the reader should be aware of what they are buying and using for email (base on the conclusion). However, maybe elaborate in the introduction.
* Point out which sections in the paper you feel are most important and least important. Since
the paper will be heavily reduced in length, describe sections/paragraphs that might be
summarized or eliminated all together.
I feel that you should really elaborate on the conclusion and take away some of the words like "in this white paper" because that is unneccessary. You made comments like that a lot throughout, and it takes away from the real information that you are trying to tell us. You should also cut down on the security section because it is too wordy and isn't important enough in that introductory paragraph.
* Note wherever the writing is unclear to you or where you feel something needs to be explained more. Were there any concepts or terms that you did not understand? Are there any particular areas in the paper which deserve to be expanded because you feel they are important topics?
As stated above, you really need to write a more thorough conclusion to tie together all the pieces of your paper. The "security in mobile devices" section seems pretty important but it is very short. I feel you should explain more thoroughly and maybe put this section in the same one on PDAs.
* Note in the paper anywhere where you feel the authors are stating their own opinions rather than reporting on what their research says.
I didn't really come across any statements that were really opinion-heavy.
* Note any problems you might observe with how the paper fits the white paper genre.
Think more about "selling" your idea or "arguing" your stance. The point of a white paper is to convince the reader of something- whether that be to buy your product or think the way you're thinking. It sounds too much like bland fact reporting here.
* Important: Since documentation of sources is a critically important aspect of professional research, if you notice any citation problems in MLA format, point them out to the authors.
You should have a bibliography AFTER your conclusion, not throughout the paper. Your sources should be in alphabetical order and cited internally (in parentheses). Your citations are really confusing and broken up too much.
peer review
This paper on the changing world of email is an up-to-date and well organized presentation of the development of the e-mail technology. It presents the chronological growth of the email system and shows how businesses and individuals benefited from this technology. The paper discusses in detail the different and latest devices that currently available in the market such as Motorola Q, Blackberry Pearl, iPhone, IPAD, SHOPTEXT. What is striking about this paper is that not only does it explain the utility of each phone system but also informs the reader about price range that the different companies charge for these services. The reader of this paper would appreciate how the price charged by each device is related to wide variety of services that each company provides. As sophisticated as these devices are getting, one can read from this paper that the competition for further improvement to capture the market has not stopped.Instead of splitting up so many PDA types and explain about it, you should give a general idea about all of them and try to more conclusion your is very small compare to your paper. The presentation of the paper is clear and easy to read and follow. but your bibilography should be after the conclusion not between each paragraph
Peer Review
- Analyze the structure of the paper. Could any section(s) or paragraph(s) be reorganized? Considering the outline of the various sections given by the headings, is the overall structure the best way to organize the paper?
The overall structure and presentation seems very nice. The only section you might want to change up a bit is the part on PDAs; I feel there is a lot of information there for that small part of the paper. You might want to make that its own section or scale the information down a bit and keep the same format.
- Check to see if the white paper has an argument within it about the topic under investigation, and comment on whether this argument is clear enough to you as a reader.
I’m not entirely sure what the argument here is; I feel like there is a lot of information on the technology but I’m not exactly sure what point you are trying to prove.
- Point out which sections in the paper you feel are most important and least important. Since the paper will be heavily reduced in length, describe sections/paragraphs that might be summarized or eliminated all together.
The main thing that needs to be reduced is the wordiness. There are a lot of unnecessary words thrown in that you might use in a regular essay or writing assignment but not so much in a professional white paper like this one. The only thing I think you might want to add to is the conclusion; and if you decided to make PDAs its own section, you might need a little more information there.
- Note wherever the writing is unclear to you or where you feel something needs to be explained more. Were there any concepts or terms that you did not understand? Are there any particular areas in the paper which deserve to be expanded because you feel they are important topics?
The main thing you need to do is add to your conclusion. I think if you revise that and summarize more of the document in the conclusion, the whole paper will make a lot more sense.
- Note in the paper anywhere where you feel the authors are stating their own opinions rather than reporting on what their research says.
Nothing seemed too opinionated. I really like the specific citations at the bottoms of the pages; it makes the paper seem more credible.
- Note any problems you might observe with how the paper fits the white paper genre.
The only thing you really need to work on is arguing a point. If you introduce your overall argument in the beginning and wrap it up in the conclusion, I think your paper will be fantastic.
- Important: Since documentation of sources is a critically important aspect of professional research, if you notice any citation problems in MLA format, point them out to the authors.
I really like how you used specific citations throughout the paper in footnotes, as I said before; however, I’m afraid you are supposed to have an actual bibliography at the end of the document, requiring parenthetical citations throughout the writing.
Peer Review
-Analyze the structure of the paper. Could any section(s) or paragraph(s) be reorganized?
~ I think the paper is very organized and it seems to flow very well.
-Considering the outline of the various sections given by the headings, is the overall structure the best way to organize the paper?
~The sections are outlined all in the same manner, which produces a smooth read. The table of contents also helps with this process.
-Check to see if the white paper has an argument within it about the topic under investigation, and comment on whether this argument is clear enough to you as a reader.
~The argument I got from the paper was that email technology is advancing and the business world can benefit from that.
-Point out which sections in the paper you feel are most important and least important. Since the paper will be heavily reduced in length, describe sections/paragraphs that might be summarized or eliminated all together.
~ I think if you want to cut down on the word count you could possibly take out a couple of the PDA examples. You could also probably cut down on the security section. I think it is important how you provided examples especially in the security section with the study done by Proofpoint. This gives your paper some backing and makes the reader more receptive to your topic.
-Note wherever the writing is unclear to you or where you feel something needs to be explained more. Were there any concepts or terms that you did not understand?
~ There were a couple of topics and terms I did not understand at first but you were able to describe and help with my understanding.
-Are there any particular areas in the paper which deserve to be expanded because you feel they are important topics?
~ I think you should expand on the conclusion. I think this will help bring the paper to a better closing by bringing all the parts together.
-Note in the paper anywhere where you feel the authors are stating their own opinions rather than reporting on what their research says.
~ I felt that opinions were left out of this paper.
-Note any problems you might observe with how the paper fits the white paper genre.
~I feel that paper fits pretty well with the white paper genre.
-Important: Since documentation of sources is a critically important aspect of professional research, if you notice any citation problems in MLA format, point them out to the authors.
~ The bibliography should be after the conclusion.