Here are some comments, I hope they help:

First paragraph introduction-“to modify the existing site, by adding information that” -no comma

Last paragraph of the introduction section, I think you need to mention the other people you interviewed and not just the professors.

Interview with Dr. Black- OSDDP, all that students would have to do -Word choice

2nd paragraph of 505 class- “The feel as though” -the should be They

2nd paragraph of 505 class- This might be worded correctly, but something didn’t sound right- “The pages are written for those who are already immersed within the OSDDP community, those who are familiar with the ins and outs of the site as well as the guide and are well versed in how to navigate themselves around.”

Last paragraph of 505 class- “first things that need to be” –need should be needs

Under the recommendations section, I’m not sure if you need this: “They are the following:” –or at least change it

Overall, I thought you did a great job of writing this report. Your word choice and flow were excellent. Good luck on the rest of your project.

I think overall your paper is written really well and I didn’t see anything major that should be changed. Here are a few small suggestions:

* In this sentence: “Through research, our goal is to offer ideas on how to modify the existing site, by adding information that can further benefit OSDDP users” I think you can eliminate the second comma after site.

* You should add a comma after “a business writing course” in this sentence: English 420, a business writing course and English 421, a technical writing course

* It sounds a little awkward here…I would suggest rewording it by saying…guide , “which were the undeveloped pages,” in the sentence starting out as “When asked about our biggest concern with the guide, the undeveloped pages…"

Great job and good luck on the final draft!!

The only editing that I saw that needs to be done is in the introduction. The sentence that reads, "Through research..." take the comma out after site.

Other than that, title your page at the top of Dreamweaver. Now it says "Untitled Document" at on the titlebar of Internet Explorer.

Nice job on the Exec. Summary. It says what it needs to in a short manner. Nice job!

Good luck with the final draft.

Any Editing feedback would be appreciated.

Overall, I think you've done a really good job and your ideas for changing the draft should be implemented. Here are some comments to your concerns...

~It might be a little easier to read if you incorporated bullet points in that section and the information from the study is obviously important for your report so it should stand out.

~I think it’s good to keep the recommendations simple. It’s easy to understand where you want to go with them and they are to the point.

~ It seems like you have already explained what you did in each study in each introductory sentence. You could maybe explain what a usability study is, but I don’t think it’s necessary or would have to go into much detail if you did.

~ I think that adding the recommendations is enough for the executive summary. You don’t want to add info that may not be covered much in the report itself.

~ You might want to give a little more detail on what the class is or what its main projects are.

**Great job!!

I really like what you have for the usability study, I'm not sure how much you planned on cutting down but I thought it was a great part of your document. Having the bullet points might organize the text better. Experiement with a couple different ways and then chose which way you think looks the best. But changing up the text a little helps the reader.

As for the recommendations, I think that they are clear and detailed. You could very likely benefit from adding a couple more though, it would just provide more support for your entire document.

Back to the usability study, it would probably benefit the reader if you did have a small explanation of how you went about the study. Also, when explaining each study you might want to make it a little more formal. Instead of, "I had my roommate..."

Why would you want to add the recommendations to the executive summary if you already have them elsewhere in your document. Also, do you really think that this document needs an executive summary?

I like your idea for omitting the conclusion, and I don't think that you need to go into detail about the 505 class.

And just some general comments, there were several places in your document where you can combine some thoughts and sentences. It will make the paragraphs flow better.

Our usability study is still going to be revised and cut down, since some of the information was probably repeated in each study. Also, would it look better to use bullet points and bold text to organize findings from the usability test, just like in the recommendations section?

I think you shpould try it out. I think it would look good, and make the usability studies easier to follow.

We are planning on adding some recommendations. Are the current recommendations written out with enough detail?

Your recommendations are good, but I think there could be a little more detail. Perhaps a little more about steps that could be taken to resolve issues.

We are also planning to revise our two interviews to make them seem like the same writer wrote it. This also goes for the usability study.

I am a little concerned with the usability study. It seems like the study was done 3 times on the same person. It also seems like there were leading questions. By this I mean that the biggest issue was the "dead Pages"....Were there any other comments made by the people who did the usability study? I know this is kind of random, but it did seem somewhat repetative.

Should we add a small paragraph explaining what we did for our usability test?

I think that would be very helpful. Perhaps it might help with my confusion expressed above.

For the Executive Summary, we are planning on adding each recommendation to it. Is that enough or should we add a little something else?

I think that will be fine if done. You could always go for it, and then ask the class opinion on the third draft.

We are not planning to write an actual conclusion since our recommendations basically serve as our conclusion.

Should we give more of a background as to what the English 505 class is? Or is just saying that it is a professional writing practicum ok?

Maybe a little background would be good. You mentioned in your oral presentation that they are all teachers, but others who will read your report may not know that.

Your paper keeps looking better and better. You are doing a nice job.

I felt that with the usability section, the way you have it formatted seemed correct for the ideas that you were aiming towards. I would even consider arranging the recommendations section that way also. I felt that with the bold print and colon, it gives it that pause before you read it, where as the recommendations section gives it more of a definition feel.

In the recommendations section, I think you do need more detail. At least a couple more sentences of how you will correct the problem and the direction you want to take it. In the third recommendation, the title of it does more to explain what you have planned than the sentence itself. I would add more specific details about how you might do it, where it would be, and more information rather than why you plan on doing it.

I think a small paragraph explaining the usability studies would help the reader in understanding why you did them and your thoughts of why it might be beneficial to have it. Maybe explain what you thought they might say then go on to describe why the things they said were different.

I’m not even sure if you need an executive summary. If you do, then I would recommend putting more information, and listing the recommendations would help add to it.

For the 505 class, I would at least say who it is made up of and how they are related to the OSDDP website. This way, the reader can understand where they are coming from.

I am confused on revising the two interviews ot seem like the same writer wrote it. I don't understand what you mean. I think the interviews are fine separated.

I would say a little bit more about the English 505 class. Isn't it the class with a lot of teachers? You might include something a little bit more about it.

I think the current recommendations have a lot of detail. You got straight to the point. I dont' know what other recommendations you can come up with, but it is very repetitive in the missing links part. This was said several times and maybe cut down on it.

What would the paragraph on how you conducted your usability test say other than what you have? I don't htink you should include something superfluous like so and so sat down at the computer and i handed him/her the guide. I think it is fine the way it is because the audience assumes that this was done sitting at a computer.

I think your recommendations speak for themselves and you don't need to write a conclusion. I can't personally think of any other recommendations, but try and come up with 2 more recommendations. Sorry i can't think of anything to help.

I like the amount of information you have on the current recommendations. It's short and to the point. If you elaborate too much, it might not be worth reading to some users.

I think a brief explanation of the actual usability study is would be helpful. Also, you might consider explaining what a usability study is in general. From your writing I can sort of come up with my own definition, but to new users this may not be the case.

From our white paper project the executive summary should sum up your whole document in one paragraph. I would be sure to include your recommendations, interviews, and usability studies as well.

I don't exactly know what the word "practicum" means, so for people like me I would like to read a little easier to understand definition of the class. For your other interviews you explained the role of the professor you worked with and how they relate to OSDDP, so it should be the same for the ENGL 505 class.

You guys have done a great job since the first draft was posted, so keep up the good work!

"Also, would it look better to use bullet points and bold text to organize findings from the usability test, just like in the recommendations section?" It might. Try it and see. You can always switch back (only takes a couple of minutes to change it to bullet points).

"Are the current recommendations written out with enough detail?" One of the things that I noticed is that the report refers to things generally, but rarely specifically. For example, the report refers to blank pages (btw: dead links is probably not the best term to use since it often refers to unaccessible pages, not pages that have a title but no content). Which pages are blank? Can you give some titles ? Provide a list of terms that need to be explained? Also, I'm not clear on what the "examples" are that are needed for the paper types. There are examples there.

"Should we add a small paragraph explaining what we did for our usability test?" Yes. A brief explanation of the research method is a good idea. Include it under the "usability study" heading.

"Should we give more of a background as to what the English 505 class is? Or is just saying that it is a professional writing practicum ok?"

Professional writing practicum is okay, but it would be good to make clear at the beginning of that section a little more about the teachers. In other words, you should justify why they are a good source in the same way that you did with explaining what Dr. Suzanne Black teaches. Also, I think "women" would be a better term than "ladies" in that section.

For the interviews: I think right now they have really good information, I am glad that you recognized that the voice is totally different in each paragraph.

The Usability Section: They all sounds like different people wrote them and emailed them to someone to put together. Make they all fluid and have some sort of flow to them. Yes add a paragraph that tells the reader why and how you did this study and why it is important to your point. It is sort of randomly stuck into your paper.

Exec Summary: I would like to see the reccomendations in this paragraph, it would be nice to read those first and then read the information you have gathered to back up your point.

505 Class: I think it is inimportant to go into great detail about what this class is. Just include that it is an English class that uses the OSDDP website on a daily basis.

Conclusion: I would write a short conclusion so your paper looks complete.

"One of the first things that needs to be changed is under the links for white papers and recommendation reports, there needs to be more information provided. In this, we mean that there needs to not only be examples of what these documents are, but also we believe it would be helpful to include definitions of what these documents are to aid the users understanding."

Well, I think that the reports listed should act as examples. However, a definition as well as links to resources would be good. Why not provide some text for this in the recommedation report?

"Secondly, we believe the website needs to be simplified." Okay, I assume that you mean the OSDDP Guide, not the whole website (since this was the focus of the report). Could you rewrite this section to make that clear? Perhaps provide examples from the guide of where the links are unclear and even offer specific suggestions for improvement.

"Finally, and maybe the most important recommendation we can make is one that was reflected in our interviews with the people in the English 505 class. They recommended that the students need to “move beyond the site and stop working on creating the site, and to being to actually work with clients,” which is the main purpose of the OSDDP site in the first place. Also, this idea might be reflected in the guide by explaining to new users where the website came from and how it developed into its current form."

First, same comment as above. Restrict the recommendation to the OSDDP Guide. Second, there's a catch 22 here in this recommendation in that most of the content is developed by the student community. If the community stops developing the site, then none of your recommendations will get taken care of.

Last, what is your specific recommendation regarding the blank pages in the guide?

I specifically like the recommendation that students move past creating the site and to actually interacting with clients. It should be the responsibility of the websites directors to create the site and the students responsibility to learn through gaining the experience of dealing with clients. I would like to see this recommendation developed a little more...It's a good point.

Also, there is some "fluff" writing that could be taken out of the paper. For example, "One of the first things that needs to be changed is..." could be changed to something like, " The first recommendation for change to the OSDDP guide is...".

Also, the formatting of the headings confused me. You have the Interview With the 505 Class in great BIG font but the Interview with Suzanne Black and the "research" heading in smaller font.

There are a few typos in the paper. In the first paragraph of the 505 interview, on the fourth line, a sentence starts with The and I think it should be "They". There are a few others here also that you will want to change.

Overall though you have introduced solid recommendations that could be practically implemented for the site. You're off to a nice start!

Good luck with the rest of your drafting process.

Have you seen the format of a recommendation report on the PW online site? Our group is using that format and it helped us a lot with drafting our paper. It made it easier to split up our research and assign sections, it made everything more clear as to how we were to present our work. I suggest looking at this format for your next version if you are interested.

Be more specific when describing the 505 class. Readers may not know that it is a writing class, so providing a title might be beneficial. Also, think about including quotes from your interviews.

I think that you develop your ideas and goals very well throughout the paper. Most of your recommendations at the end an in the paper are specific but do you think that you could add more detail or more suggestions?

Explain more about the clients being involved in this site. As a user of OSDDP it is not clear to me at all that this site is to be used by students and professionals both. So maybe there could be something on the site that addresses this issue.

You've got a lot of good material and plenty to work with, good luck on your next draft.

I like how you included some history of your research within your recommendation report. This gives validity to what issues you would like to see tackled. I seems well organized. You discussed the blank pages under the section discussing the interview with the 505 class. From this discussion, do you have a recommendation as to what to do with these blank pages? If so, it should be added to your recommendation section. Also, I think a good recommendation would be to create a client database. You mention moving beyond the computer and into the community? How do you think this could be accomplished?

I think you have a fine work in progress here. You have many good recommendations, and the OSDDP sit will be greatly improved if some of these recommendations will be implemented.

You guys have done a pretty good job in researching your information and interviewing many subjects for their opinions. The one thing that pops out to me right away when reading this is your excessive use of the word "we". Is this document supposed to be in 1st person? I don't know how professional it sounds to always refer to what "we did, we believe, we feel, etc".

Also, when I go to read this, I almost just want to skim through the paragraphs to get the main ideas because it is a little long for me to focus on. I think that maybe you could condense your information into bulleted areas, or one sentence descriptions to make it a faster and more efficient read for a user.

I also think that this information might be better organized. I know it's your first draft and you were most likely planning on changing the format, but I think if you condense your information you could incorporate better headings and subheadings. For example, when you talk about the blank pages in the site you could create an area titled "Blank Pages" or "Missing Information" (something pertaining to your info) and then list problems and solutions underneath that instead of making the user read through all the extra wording.

Keep up the good work and good luck with the rest of the project!

Good approach to thinking about the audience.

"We have already decided that it will be almost impossible to get the whole group together for an interview, since everyone’s schedule is so different."

Plus, it could be overwhelming for the interviewee in the case of your interview with one person (Dr. Black, for example). As you have mentioned, 2 people definitely sounds reasonable.

"It may also be difficult for us at first to decide what should be included in each of the many sections of the guide which do not currently have any content. We can really only make our best guess as to what the original guide developers had in mind for these sections and try to make a good judgment as to what may fit well there."

Can I suggest that as part of the project, that you write up these sections for the empty suggestions in such a way that you can post them in as new issues on OSDDP? You might want to check and see if they are issues already, though. In fact, you might want to look through the issues on OSDDP in case anyone has done a project which would assist with yours (for example, I believe that there may be some usability testing of OSDDP already).

The proposal was easy to follow and I think you have taken the time to organize your thoughts. This paper will solely rely on the responses of others so time management is something to consider. The fact that you have already received emails from professors shows you taken the initiative and are on top of the research.

You might try creating two different versions of questions to ask. One for the readers who know OSDDP and one for those who don't. For those who don't know, it's important they look at the website with not knowing much information. The initial impression and usability of the website will give them a chance to give you some valuable comments as a first time user.

I hope that helps. Good luck on your research.

I really liked how you guys defined your two target audiences. It's very clear to me as to what types of people will be users of the OSDDP website as well as the guide. I really like your statement about putting in suggestions of changes to be made in the future. They may need some other series of events to take place before they can be instituted but having them already suggested is good.

You guys seem to be very explicit in your project proposal and I am glad to see that you have already begun the process of contacting teachers for interviews. I think that it will be okay for the whole group to not be present at interviews. It would be nice, but maybe not so overwhelming or inefficient to ask questions in a group setting. I hope you get some great feedback, and good luck with everything.

I think that you have a good idea on what you will be working on and how you are going to go about doing it. One thing that i was confused about in your proposal is when you talk about interviewing people who have never used osddp. How are you going to get good feedback from these people. I think just giving them background information is not enough. To have good recomendations they would have to have used it. You could do your inteview in a lab and take them through the site to see what they think. Other than that I think that you guys have a good start

I think that you all are right on track in saying that the interviews that you will be doing will be important. Being that you are changing the guide for future students and teachers to use it is very important to probe their thoughts as to where their students have had problems either with the site or if they are unsure of how to do something with the site.

Good luck pulling the project together. It sounds like you've got a good start.

So far it sounds like you are on the right path. It was clear to me what you were doing and why you were doing the reccomendation report. However, what is an example of the missing parts of the site? I agree with the fact that it may be difficult to interview students that had never used the OSDDP site but will be helpful to understanding how user friendly the guide is. When interviewing the students that have used the OSDDP site be sure to include their initial reactions to the guide. This will help you have another perspective on it. It may be difficult for the non users to understand what OSDDP is even after you explain it to them.

I think you have a good idea in your mind of what you want to accomplish with the Recommendation Report, but as an unbiased reader of your proposal, I am confused as to what you actually intend to do.

It seems to me as though you have thought out your process well, but your proposal could use some clarification as to actual steps you plan to take. For instance, how will you incorporate the information from your interviews into your report? Also, what types of questions will you be asking?

Perhaps when interviewing students who have never had any experience with OSDDP, it may be helpful to have a laptop with a wireless hookup so that they can take a few minutes to navigate the site and see how it works themselves while you supplement the experience with some OSDDP history.

As for filling in the missing sections, you may want to start with a list of what everyone would like to see, and then take a collective vote to decide what will go where.

Good luck on your report!

Your proposal was very thorough. I am interested to know what blank sections there are in the manual. I think your interviews with the people who are not familiar with the OSDDP guide will be very helpful. How are you doing this though? I am somewhat confused. Will you be taking a current freshman or sophomore who has never been in an Engl 420 class and just sticking them in front of a computer and asking them to use the OSDDP guide? How many people do you think will willingly do that? How much time will you give them to use the OSDDP site? I think it's a great idea to do this because they will be putting the guide in use, but just wonder how it will really be accomplished. Overall, great proposal.