As part of our white paper project in ENGL420s, we:
Elisa Rensberger
Chris Wang
Emily Peo
Brittany Durco
are signing up for this as part of our project to revise this white paper, which is due by Friday 9/30/05.

I like how you reformulated the sections that you had established before; this makes it so much easier to read. Plus, its better organized for the reader. Not only that, but the paragraphs didn’t run on or contain a massive load of information.

Under history of Instant Messengers and Gaim, put an italicized line that states that paragraph is going to be about instant messaging, you have on for the history of Gaim.

Same section, spell out what the acronyms for each IM service means, not all people know.

Maybe you could elaborate upon the security leaks and spim. You spell this all out in the section about Gaim security but merely skim over it in the instant messaging part.

Great job on your 2nd draft

In the History of IM and Gaim section I feel like there is a lack of citations. It is all very factual and I would think there would be more citations.

In the section on Gaim's Features it sounds like nothing is provided by the service. It has too many doesn'ts in the first pharagraph, it could be worded better.

In the conclusion there is a lot of opinion presented. If there were citations this would seem less like the writer's opinion and more factual.

Overall I think that the paper is very well written, it is easy to read and very interesting.

For starters, this paper has become much clearer! Good job! In the section referring to the history of Gaim, I'm not sure that the way they decided to spell it is necessary.

Within your major headings are sub-headings; I would try to converge those subheadings to make the paper flow a little easier. Try comparing IM to GAIM within the same paragraph under each heading. Maybe add a little more on how companies are keeping their employees from using IM as a personal tool. I can see that GAIM is a great tool, but not if employees are slacking on work.

You talk about IM security and then further down you bring up IM security again. Maybe these two could be put together. Whether you are at home or at work security is security, it is an issue everyone is concerned about.

The first thing I noticed that you revised was your organization. I think it flows A LOT better the way you have organized it now. I like the headings and how you have italics for the smaller headings. The paper looks very well organized.

As for some editing advice in your intro there are some commas that you could do without. In your section on the hisotry of gaim you have two sentences that could be revised. One sentence ends with "according to" and the next sentence starts off with "according to". You might want to take a look at that. Actually a lot of the siting in that specific section has that phrase. You could try using "stated" or look up similar word for according to make your word usage have more of a variety when citing.

In your section on Gaim Features you have a sentence that goes like this: "Gaim however offers more....", you don't need that however in there. But if you really want it you'll need some commas. In the paragraph you have a lot of excess words that you don't need. "sent and recieved" is one example. You can clean up some of the sentences to make them more precise and easier to read.

Basically, read over the sections and try to substitute other words in for the "according to" phrases. That is the only problem, which isn't really a huge problem, that I can see . Other then a few grammar errors here and there the paper looks really good. I like the revision you did to the paper.

• I sort of felt out of place when I got to the "Demographics" section as I was expecting more about GAIM. It's an awfully long section, too. I suspect that parts of it might fit elsewhere. The first few paragraphs could go into a section that explains IM or even with the introduction. The parts about business could go in a section about Gaim in the workplace.
• I think overall that there is room for some reorganization. Right now, you have a one-tiered section outline. Try outlining the paper and then seeing how best to organize it into an introduction, two or three sections, and then a conclusion, with the two or three sections containing many subsections. For instance, I could imagine that it might be useful to have a Gaim "Features" subsection somewhere early on, rather than having the features listed in a "Pro's" section; simiarly, the idea that Gaim was written for Unix in that section would probably fit in an intro about what Gaim is.
• Your conclusion seems to be more general observations about IM and open source. How can you bring it back around to being about Gaim?
• Finally, the supserscript use for attribution certainly was fine for a rough draft, but most readers would be confused by this. Suggest adopting the more traditional MLA format for the next draft.

While reviewing your open source paper, I took into account all of the questions that you posed. I think that I have fully answered them. In addition, I added to my comments a few other things that I found too.

In the Executive Summary, there are several sentences that you could combine with the use of a semi-colon. This would tie most of these sentences together to make them more cohesive. I noticed the overuse use of the word “this”. You introduced a few sentences with that word back to back, as well as used it in several sentences. Perhaps you could replace the word “this” with whatever you are talking about specifically. The last thing that I found goes along with one of the last sentences in your executive summary. What are the companies that provide these services? Maybe you could list a few for the reader.

The section titled “The Pros and Cons of Gaim”, maybe you could change the title to say something more specific. It should reflect upon what you are talking about, and it’s more of a description of how the program runs. If you are going to use the pros and cons, then say specifically what the pros are and what the cons are.

In the section entitled “Security of Gaim in the Workplace”…what are some of the inconveniencies that companies have come across? List a few for the readers to know and so they can get an idea.

To allow smooth transitions between sections, you could move the demographics section before the Gaim in the workplace section. This just keeps common themes together.

Finally, the Gaim in the Workplace the first paragraph is somewhat repetitive with what you have written elsewhere.

I thought that you organized your paper nicely and it was an easy read. It flows very well and I don't see a need of improvement. I think that it looks very neat also. Another thing I liked is your headings. I think they are well defining of the information that follows. One suggestion I have though is about the location of the Pros and Cons. I think that this would work better being last in your paper. This would allow all the information regarding the usage of Gaim to be before the analysis of the Pros and Cons.

I did not like the word superscripts. I thought that it did not look right with your paper. However I did like the number superscripts. I thought they looked nicer.

I liked your executive summary and introduction. I do not think you should change these sections at all. I saw that you said you needed to revise these sections but I do not see where you need improvement. I think both sections are thorough and complete according to how they pertain to the information on your paper.

Overall your white paper seems very comprehensive and thorough in the information you provide. It actually looks like a final draft rather than a rough draft. I think you guys are well organized and really dont have that much to revise.

In the section on "Gaim in the Workplace" once the fluff is cut out it would be more beneficial to focus on Gaim specifically, instead of IM programs of all kind. I think this would make the paper as a whole more cohesive.

I think that the paper overall flows very well, it is in a good order. I would say that the Demographics section is a little redundant, because the other sections seem to cover a lot of the same things. I think that it could be cut down some.

I think that this paper did help in understanding the pros and cons of Gaim. If that is the main focus of the paper though, I think that section could stand to be expanded a little bit more. Again, more of a focus on Gaim specifically, not IM in general.

I think that the easiest way to site your sources, as a reader, is by using parenthesis. This way is the least distracting and easiest to read. The other two ways are more distracting.

GAIM Comments

Executive Summary:
Need to revise; some sentences are run-ons or fragments.
Try to focus on one main idea for the summary; are you trying to inform about GAIM or are you providing the pros and cons of GAIM?

Introduction:
Just need to check spelling and grammar errors.
Also when citing sources, I would put the Author’s name or website address in ( ) at the end of the sentence. Don’t use superscript; it’s too hard to read. I think you could take your Executive Summary, Introduction, and History section and put them all together to make one section. These seem like their chopped up right now.

Body of Text:
I’m not sure I like the double spacing between paragraphs. It makes the report look choppy. This is a report after all; shouldn’t it follow the same rules as any paper?
When talking about the different age brackets of people who use IM services, what does this have to do with using IM in the workplace? I’m confused as to who you are directing this paper to. Do you want to give the pros and cons for GAIM on a professional level or are you informing the general public about the pros and cons? There needs to be distinction as to who your target reader is. You have a section on the pros and cons, but then you break off for security. Isn’t security and pro and a con? The demographic section doesn’t seem to fit into the paper smoothly.

Conclusion:
When I read your conclusion I got the sense that you really are trying to cater your paper towards GAIM in the workplace. A lot of the body of your paper doesn’t really include the workplace in its text.