Submitted by alison9486 on Wed, 10/31/2007 - 10:49.
Overall, I think that this paper is extremely strong. You had evidence supporting each aspect of your argument such as why Google Earth, maps, and Gmail are stronger than their competition. At first the paper seemed more factual but as it progressed I was able to see that your argument was the importance of Google in the business world. Perhaps you could address this argument in the opening of your paper that way each new section would support a portion of the argument and your reader would see their doubts being quieted as they read on. The exhibits you included were extremely beneficial and well-placed. I am not sure if you need to label these as exhibits or not. You may want to look into this, by labeling them you could reference them better in your writing. Your conclusion was very concise and reviewed the argument and the supporting facts that you had found. This ended the paper on a persuasive and factual note which was good.
I believe that the most important area you discussed was Gmail because it is the most relevant to the business world. Tying Google Earth and advertising together helped to explain its importance in the workplace as well. If you need to take portions of the paper out to reduce length I would suggest the paragraph on page 13 that discusses Google’s advertising on Clear Channel Radio. This does not seem to pertain to your argument as much as your other facts do. I did not think that you had any information that needed to be explained more thoroughly, it was very concise. I also did not find any hints of personal opinion in the paper, which is great. I think that the paper fits the white paper genre and is well formatted. The only suggestions I would make would be to perhaps create a Table of Contents and also put page numbers in your citations. I think that your paper is great, especially for a first draft!
Submitted by redbirds0130 on Wed, 10/31/2007 - 21:55.
I really like your white paper; it is very good and gives a lot of information about Google. I really like how you broke down Google into all of their different parts and then compared those parts to those of their competitors. The first thing that I noticed that you could add was an outline page, if you added one then you could easily look at it and know what page you want to go to, to see a certain topic. Instead right now you have to scroll through the whole white paper. You have very good headers, and they are great in informing us what each section is about. I would start out with a little more of an argument to why Google is needed in the business world to begin the white paper, maybe put that more in your opening paragraph, it seems like it takes awhile to get to the Google in the business world information. I really like the Gmail part of the white paper; it seems like the best part of businesses. I also think you did a great job of adding exhibits, you give a lot of them and they clearly show what part of Google is currently being read about. The conclusion is also very good it really does a great job of summing up the article. If you are looking to take some stuff out I would start with the Clear Channel advertising, I do not think it really fits this white paper it talks more about Google as a company than their use in the business world. Also some of Google comparisons, since you compare Google’s other products in like Gmail to other competitors there is really no need for a comparison part of the white paper, just add where you compare them to the sections when you talk about that same subject. The Facebook and MySpace comparisons are something I think you can do without, since we all know what Google is and looking at the comparison between these is getting away from the business side. Overall I really like your structure and headings; I would add an outline page though to make it easier to navigate. You do a good job of reporting and you did not seem to state your own opinion at all. The paper does seem to fit the white paper genre very well. So I think you did a very good job and I really like your first draft of the white paper.
I attached your white paper with my comments in red! Great job, I really liked the creative topic choice that you had and I feel that you represented it well!
Peer Revision
Overall, I think that this paper is extremely strong. You had evidence supporting each aspect of your argument such as why Google Earth, maps, and Gmail are stronger than their competition. At first the paper seemed more factual but as it progressed I was able to see that your argument was the importance of Google in the business world. Perhaps you could address this argument in the opening of your paper that way each new section would support a portion of the argument and your reader would see their doubts being quieted as they read on. The exhibits you included were extremely beneficial and well-placed. I am not sure if you need to label these as exhibits or not. You may want to look into this, by labeling them you could reference them better in your writing. Your conclusion was very concise and reviewed the argument and the supporting facts that you had found. This ended the paper on a persuasive and factual note which was good.
I believe that the most important area you discussed was Gmail because it is the most relevant to the business world. Tying Google Earth and advertising together helped to explain its importance in the workplace as well. If you need to take portions of the paper out to reduce length I would suggest the paragraph on page 13 that discusses Google’s advertising on Clear Channel Radio. This does not seem to pertain to your argument as much as your other facts do. I did not think that you had any information that needed to be explained more thoroughly, it was very concise. I also did not find any hints of personal opinion in the paper, which is great. I think that the paper fits the white paper genre and is well formatted. The only suggestions I would make would be to perhaps create a Table of Contents and also put page numbers in your citations. I think that your paper is great, especially for a first draft!
Peer Revision
I really like your white paper; it is very good and gives a lot of information about Google. I really like how you broke down Google into all of their different parts and then compared those parts to those of their competitors. The first thing that I noticed that you could add was an outline page, if you added one then you could easily look at it and know what page you want to go to, to see a certain topic. Instead right now you have to scroll through the whole white paper. You have very good headers, and they are great in informing us what each section is about. I would start out with a little more of an argument to why Google is needed in the business world to begin the white paper, maybe put that more in your opening paragraph, it seems like it takes awhile to get to the Google in the business world information. I really like the Gmail part of the white paper; it seems like the best part of businesses. I also think you did a great job of adding exhibits, you give a lot of them and they clearly show what part of Google is currently being read about. The conclusion is also very good it really does a great job of summing up the article. If you are looking to take some stuff out I would start with the Clear Channel advertising, I do not think it really fits this white paper it talks more about Google as a company than their use in the business world. Also some of Google comparisons, since you compare Google’s other products in like Gmail to other competitors there is really no need for a comparison part of the white paper, just add where you compare them to the sections when you talk about that same subject. The Facebook and MySpace comparisons are something I think you can do without, since we all know what Google is and looking at the comparison between these is getting away from the business side. Overall I really like your structure and headings; I would add an outline page though to make it easier to navigate. You do a good job of reporting and you did not seem to state your own opinion at all. The paper does seem to fit the white paper genre very well. So I think you did a very good job and I really like your first draft of the white paper.
Peer Review
I attached your white paper with my comments in red! Great job, I really liked the creative topic choice that you had and I feel that you represented it well!